oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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