Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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