no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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