I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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