thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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