A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i came on her dog
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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