I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
