who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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