your thong is hanging out like whoa
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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