We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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