my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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