How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
