My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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