Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
