what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
