I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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