I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
