Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
