Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
