Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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