my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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