I wish I only lived at night.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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