I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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