we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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