SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
