if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
