the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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