the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
