i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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