i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The beer is more important than you right now.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
