just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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