i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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