wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
