No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
