I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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