Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
