so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
