i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
