Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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