just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
