Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
