Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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