so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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