I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
