I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
