Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
