when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
