i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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