got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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