I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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