A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
