you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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