I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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