Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He passed out mid-signature
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Your topless pictures make me question reality
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
