There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
