I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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