3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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