My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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