just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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